What is happening to me? What did I do to deserve this punishment?

Opening one golden eye, the usually stoic elven mage glared up at the gray ceiling above his head accusingly, as if his entire predicament at that point was its entire fault.  The ceiling of course hadnt budged for thousands of years, and it wasnt about to bow down before him and accept responsibility for his messed up life. Nothing would.

Groaning, Palanthalas Silverleaf shifted his lithe body over on his spacious bed so he faced the window instead of the ceiling, which he had been staring at for hours.  His life had been so simple before, well, as simple as a spy's life could be, and he could never forget the killer part of him that had been awakened when his younger self had died so many years before. But even as a trained assassin and spy, his life had still been simple. Kill or be killed.

Ok, perhaps not quite that simple, but now he was involved with magic, something he had never truly understood, nor for that matter, did he ever want to understand it. His only experience with magic had been when he had been ordered to watch a mage thought to be dealing in black magic and the slave trade. That had turned out to be a rather quick mission, with the mage ending up dead after he had found Palanthalas out.

Sighing the ex-secret operative closed his golden eyes, trying to relax and go back to sleep, naturally, that wasn't about to happen. Unbidden, the memories of his first meeting with his superior, also his mother, came back

The Council Hall was unearthly silent, with only groups of flickering candles being used for light, the atmosphere was one of tense anticipation and trepidation. Standing quietly in a particularly dark corner, Palan waited with eyes half closed, though he was far from sleeping.

After some time, and he was thinking about forgetting this summons and leaving, the doors at the far end of the hall creaked open and a tall, slim woman stepped through. Closing the massive door with little effort she glided across the distance between them with such grace and surety in her movement that Palan didn't doubt for a second she already knew he was here, though she probably couldn't see him. So naturally, her first words to him didn't surprise the silver-haired elf much.

"Nightwind? Would you mind stepping into the light? I can hardly see you in that corner" she asked, her quiet voice laced with a command the spy wouldn't dare ignore, even if it had been for something far more serious.

Without a word he stepped forward, his arms crossed across his chest giving him a stubborn appearance while his golden eyes flashed with impatience and a little curiosity. Never before had he been called by the High Mage herself for a private meeting, or any other type of meeting for that matter. Most of his orders where by sunbird or on paper that would turn to ash once read by him and him alone.

They faced each other silently for a few moments, with both their expressions unreadable, finally the High Mage Nordrel broke the uneasy silence with a sigh. "I see you have no idea as to why you were asked here do you Nightwind, or should I say Palanthalas?" It was more of a statement than a question, but Palan decided to answer anyway

No ma'am, I haven't a clue, care to enlighten me on the subject matter? He answered casually, using his favored mode of communication, that of telepathy.  Though his tone was tinged with annoyance and sarcasm, Nordrel apparently decided to ignore the fact, going on as if he hadn't spoken.

"I'll tell you, things cannot remain as they were, have you noticed a difference in how you perceive things on your missions? Like thoughts, feelings, a warm sensation on your skin that has nothing to do with temperature?"  Palan's eyes narrowed, for he had noticed all those things, but he had also recorded that in his notes, and he knew the High Mage read those notes, she had too.

Seeing his slight reaction, she nodded knowingly. "Yes, you have, and I did read your reports, but I knew this would be happening. You see,"  She paused and took a step closer to him, her eyes filled with an emotion he couldn't identify.  Slowly her hand came up and touched his pale cheek lightly, causing him to take a startled step back. But she only followed his movement, her other hand following the first, so now she had his face cupped delicately in her hands.

"You see, I've been following your progress for many years, ever since you were a boy, and I know of your power, a power you have yet to tap," her hands fell back to her sides and she looked away, a thin trickle of tears falling down her aged face. "I'm not sure how to say this, I should have been there for you at Bragollach, should have protected you from Salazar, but I couldn't, and I failed you. I'm sorry..." she stopped, her shoulders heaved a little as if she were having a convolusion attack, then she finished in little more then a whisper, "...my son" Then she turned to face him, her blue eyes shinning with tears. "Forgive me, please.  Forgive me for not telling you sooner."

But he couldn't think of anything to say, and as he faced her, his face cold and emotionless, like marble, all he could do was feel, anger, resentment, and something else, something he couldn't put a name too.  So in the face of his cold rejection, she looked away again, nothing about her showing that she was the leader of the Elven Kingdoms, that she presided over the council that dictated the fate of an entire world. No, before him she was just a woman, a woman who had left her son to strangers, then didn't help when those foster parents were killed, a woman who had just admitted a terrible mistake.

Finally he found words, but even as he said them, he knew they would hurt her, and put a rift where there should be a bond. I'm sorry Majesty, but I no longer know how to forgive. He answered emotionlessly, his eyes distant and cold as they regarded the High Mage in front of him. Then he turned on his heel, facing away from her as a sob broke through what little resolve she had mustered for his answer. But I'm sure you saw to that, what assassin would know how to feel? And without a glance back, he left the hall.

         And that was that, after their meeting, things had changed for Palan, suddenly he had courtiers inviting him to parties, nobles asking for his assistance, young girls flirting with him shamelessly, and it all seemed to happen overnight.

       He was forced to endure lessons in magic in order to stop the recent headaches that had been plaguing him because he hadn't been taught the controls from the young age most mages were taught. Then he also had to attend endless meetings with various leaders, for what, he wasn't sure. On the outside, it just seemed he was there for occasional comments about a certain area, or about one of his older reports, however, he couldn't shake the feeling he was just there for decoration.

And there was another thing, his missions just stopped. So now not only was he being forced into a new life, but his old one was being ripped away as well, and as bloody as it had been, he actually hated to see it go.

What kind of person have I become?

             ---------------------------------------------------------------------
How can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where I've become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home

               In order to avoid his mother Palan had tried to reach one of the senior members of the council for some answers to his past, and what his future might bring. The older elfs name had been Eaglewood, (Palan had met the man on more then one occasion) and had actually developed a liking for the big bear like elf. So when he had asked Lord Eaglewood for a meeting, he had been relieved when he had received not a formal note, but a visit, in which Lord Eaglewood (who insisted Palan just call him Medrain) told him he would gladly meet with him after the days business and discuss whatever he wanted.

Unfortunately, the day did not go as planned. The dark dragons and their Allies had chosen that day to launch a surprise attack in the heart of the elven lands, right in the city of Elhellond as a matter of fact.

Palan had been on his way over to see Medrain when the warning sirens rang, so instead of going back to his rooms in the Healers House (which he figured would want to use them to care for any injured) he had continued over to the Eaglewood compound. 

Before he got there however, he met Lord Medrain halfway. In between explosions, Medrain asked him to watch over his two daughters while he went to help Nordrel and the other mages, in return, he would be at Palans disposal after the attack. And in a rare act of compassion, Palan had just patted the man on the shoulder and told him to go, that he would watch after the girls until their father returned, and that Medrain owed him nothing, watching with a small smile playing on his chiseled lips as the big elf disappeared into the smoke of what seemed a thousand fires.

That would be the last time he saw Lord Medrain Eaglewood.

Getting up somewhat stiffly, Palan went and opened the window to his sleeping quarters, letting the slight night breeze drift in, bringing with it the sound of a night bird singing somewhere, along with the acrid scent of burning things.

It may have been a week since the attack, but no matter what the mages do, nothing can rid us of the smell of death. To many innocents perished for us to just cover it up and pretend nothing happened.

Wake me up
Wake me up inside
I can't wake up
Wake me up inside
Save me
call my name and save me from the dark
Wake me up
bid my blood to run
I can't wake up
before I come undone
Save me
save me from the nothing I've become

Rubbing his aching temples, Palan turned from the window and sat on the
edge of the bed, his eyes fixated on the wood floors, his long silver hair glistening in the pale light from the full moons falling unkempt around his face.  Meanwhile his mind continued on its leisurely stroll down memory lane, whether he liked it or not.

Ah yes, the Eaglewood girls, Arwyn and her younger sister Leladry. I have to give them credit, taking in as much as they did and still remaining sane, and the older one, Arwyn, her pain was apparent, yet she kept it in control, she has will that one.

Sighing he lay back down and continued his earlier examination of the ceiling, while his thoughts strayed from his own mess of a life to the figure of a young elfmaiden with long dark hair.

To bad she can't deal with the loss of her father as well as her sister, I was worried she would take my head off for offering her my sympathy.

Sighing, the elf got up again and paced his room, finally coming to the bathing room. Sighing he entered and bent over the sink and turned on the water, cupping some of the cool liquid he tossed it on his face to further wake up so he could just start this day and get it over with quicker.

Letting thin rivulets stream down his pale face Palan studied his reflection in the mirror, and shivered as his cold eyes stared down on him.

Are they always so emotionless? Is that why so many people dislike me?

Annoyed that he would even entertain the thought of needing anyone elses approval, Palan looked away and stared at the water slowly draining out of the wash basin. Watched as suddenly he saw images from long ago, memories he had thought locked away in the deepest pits of his corrupted soul. His grip tightened on the edges of the counter as he felt a light sweat break out all across his body, yet he couldn't look away, couldn't tear his gaze from his forgotten youth.

Huddled in a dark corner he waited, tears streaming down his face as the screams of the wounded and dying sent up a grosteque chorus that filled his ringing ears. The heavy metallic scent of blood and carnage flooded his senses while his eyes were tightly closed against the terror.

The nightmare seemed neverending, opening his eyes briefly he choked back a sob when he saw the lifeless eyes of his foster mother staring blankly at him, their blue depths empty of a soul.

He stayed like that for hours, with the body of his foster mother staring at him, and he longed to reach out and close those empty eyes, but instinct told him to remain still, that the hunters still prowled the middle sized town of Bragollach.

Outside his destroyed home he heard the distintive howl of a living dead, and his sensitive nose caught the scent of rotting flesh, then suddenly he felt an icy grip on his shoulder. He jerked about and tried to scramble away but the grip was strong and held on to him.

"Easy lad, it's me, calm yourself." a soft voice said in a whisper, and with a whimpering sound the young Palan buried his face in the burned and bloody tunic of his foster father. Big hands stroked his black hair, absently picking out pieces of debris while the young boy cried for all he was worth.

After a few minutes those strong hands gripped his shoulders tightly and pushed him away so his 'father' could look him in the eyes, his bright, if red rimmed, blue eyes.

"Alright Palan, listen to me, there aren't many survivors left, and someone needs to get to the capitol and let them know what happened here, the Council needs to know." his father paused and looked towards the door when a low shuffling sound could be heard. Palan tensed and when his father quickly stood and picked him up, he didn't protest, instead remained as quiet as possible.

They went deeper into the back rooms of the house that was also the shop for his 'parents' tailoring buisness. In the fabric storage room they hid, and when Palan's father was certain the coast was relatively clear, he continued his interuppted speech.

"You and I are going to wait for a few hours then make our break. There is a time just at dawn when the undead and the goblins change guard since those satanic creations can't be out during the day, and at that time, the new guards are at their weakest, just waking up and all." he paused for breath and looked around the room, then looked at Palan again. "Promise me my boy that no matter what happens, you get out of here alive, don't wait for me if I fall behind, I can always find you again, but not if your dead." Palan nodded bravely through the tears that threatened to fall again